My life as faux

I have a husband who wants a Barbie doll instead of a wife. I've known for a while although he doesn't come right out and say it. He wants me to have my breasts augmented and get a tummy tuck. He likes it when I have acrylic nails. He buys lingerie for me at Fredricks. He drops $100 bucks at a time at Suzie's.

Today at lunch there was a woman my age (40-ish) with long blonde highlighted hair, fake nails, platform shoes, short denim skirt, guazy halter top. I said, "That's what you want me to look like, huh?" He said, "She's too skinny." In other words, yep, that's what I like.

We all want to be loved for who we are. I am a middle aged, size 16 mom and crafter. I have short brown hair and wrinkles. I don't wear much makeup. I like flat shoes. I want to be loved for who I am. I understand that he wants me to look nice. I'm clean, I wear a little makeup, I like dresses and pretty earrings. I shave regularly. But I guess that's not enough. And yeah, it hurts.

I have to be careful here. I've torn our marriage apart before by second guessing him like this. It was a pretty miserable year. It's very tricky balancing my need to be myself with my desire to make our marriage last. If I give too much weight to my dissatisfaction, I run the risk of creating a wall between us. I'm a strong believer in "perception is reality". Usually I am very good at seeing the good in him and the good intentions behind some of his behaviors. Today, I am not. Today I am just hurt that the way I am isn't good enough.